Grief can make one or both partners withdraw emotionally, leading to disconnection. Some people process grief internally, while others need verbal and physical support. When partners don’t recognize or respect each other’s grieving styles, it can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

Turning Toward or Away

Gottman emphasizes "turning toward" as a key to strong relationships. In grief, partners can either turn toward each other for support or turn away and isolate themselves. If couples repeatedly turn away, it can erode emotional intimacy.

The Role of Bids for Connection

Grieving partners may send "bids" for emotional support (e.g., sharing memories, seeking comfort). If the other partner acknowledges and responds to these bids, connection strengthens. If bids are ignored or rejected, loneliness and emotional detachment grow.

The Four Horsemen & Grief

Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) can emerge in grief-stricken relationships. A grieving partner may lash out (criticism/contempt) or shut down (stonewalling). Understanding that grief fuels these behaviors can help couples address them with compassion.

Differing Timelines of Grief

One partner may heal faster, while the other struggles longer. Frustration can arise when one feels ready to move forward while the other is still deep in mourning. Accepting different paces of healing is key to maintaining patience and empathy.

Gottman’s Strategies for Coping with Grief in Relationships

Accept Different Grieving Styles

Some people grieve outwardly (talking, crying) while others grieve inwardly (silence, withdrawal).

Respect each other's coping mechanisms without judgment.

Communicate Openly & Gently

Express emotions without blaming. Use "I" statements: "I feel really overwhelmed today" rather than "You don’t understand my grief."

Practice Emotional Attunement

Gottman suggests tuning in to each other’s emotions. Check in with your partner: “How are you feeling today?” rather than assuming they are fine.

Create Rituals of Connection

Honoring the loss together (lighting a candle, sharing memories) can help create a shared grieving experience. These rituals reinforce unity rather than isolation.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If grief is leading to chronic conflict or emotional withdrawal, couples therapy can help.

Gottman-trained therapists focus on strengthening emotional connection during difficult times.

Final Thought

Grief is a deeply personal journey that can impact your relationship with yourself and your partner. However, it doesn’t have to create distance between you. By embracing Gottman’s principles—such as turning toward one another, responding to each other’s needs, and steering clear of the Four Horsemen—couples can share their grief and even strengthen their bond during tough times.

At The Relationship Wellness Clinic, we recognize the challenges that come with grief and are dedicated to helping you and your partner navigate this difficult experience. Our evidence-based therapy and coaching services are tailored to foster growth and healing, allowing you to build a more resilient relationship.

If you’re facing these challenges, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Contact us today to find out how our specialized relationship and dating coaching can help both you and your partner during this time.