Grief can make one or both partners withdraw emotionally, leading to disconnection. Some people process grief internally, while others need verbal and physical support. When partners don’t recognize or respect each other’s grieving styles, it can lead to misunderstandings and resentment.

Turning Toward or Away

Gottman emphasizes "turning toward" as a key to strong relationships. In grief, partners can either turn toward each other for support or turn away and isolate themselves. If couples repeatedly turn away, it can erode emotional intimacy.

The Role of Bids for Connection

Grieving partners may send "bids" for emotional support (e.g., sharing memories, seeking comfort). If the other partner acknowledges and responds to these bids, the connection strengthens. If bids are ignored or rejected, loneliness and emotional detachment grow.

The Four Horsemen & Grief

Gottman’s “Four Horsemen” (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) can emerge in grief-stricken relationships. A grieving partner may lash out (criticism/contempt) or shut down (stonewalling). Understanding that grief fuels these behaviors can help couples address them with compassion.

Differing Timelines of Grief

One partner may heal faster, while the other struggles longer. Frustration can arise when one feels ready to move forward while the other is still deep in mourning. Accepting different paces of healing is key to maintaining patience and empathy.

Gottman’s Strategies for Coping with Grief in Relationships

Accept Different Grieving Styles

Some people grieve outwardly (talking, crying) while others grieve inwardly (silence, withdrawal). Respect each other's coping mechanisms without judgment.

Communicate Openly & Gently

Express emotions without blaming. Use "I" statements: "I feel really overwhelmed today" rather than "You don’t understand my grief."

Practice Emotional Attunement

Gottman suggests tuning in to each other’s emotions. Check in with your partner: “How are you feeling today?” rather than assuming they are fine.

Create Rituals of Connection

Honoring the loss together (lighting a candle, sharing memories) can help create a shared grieving experience. These rituals reinforce unity rather than isolation.

Seek Professional Help if Needed

If grief is leading to chronic conflict or emotional withdrawal, couples therapy can help. Grief specialized therapists focus on strengthening emotional connections during difficult times.

Final Thought

Grief is an intense and personal experience, but it doesn’t have to weaken a relationship. By practicing Gottman’s principles—turning toward each other, responding to bids for connection, and avoiding the Four Horsemen—couples can navigate grief together and even deepen their bond.

Grief profoundly affects your relationship with yourself and your partner, but growth and healing are possible. At The Relationship Wellness Clinic, we understand these challenges and are committed to supporting you on this journey. Our evidence-based therapy and coaching services are designed to help you navigate grief and loss, fostering a stronger, more resilient relationship.

Don't hesitate to reach out for help. Contact us today to learn more about how our specialized relationship and dating coaching can support you and your partner in these difficult times.